Meet Sarah Stewart, your sober cheerleader! Sarah is a 28 year old in the UK. She works full time as a conveyancer for a property law firm, but in her spare time she creates content for Instagram that shares that being sober is fun. Sarah and I had been following each other for ages on Instagram prior to this conversation, so I was really excited to sit down and chat with Sarah and hear her story.
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Sarah can be found on Instagram @sobersare_. Follow me on Instagram @alexmcrobs and check out my offerings in yoga, meditation and coaching at http://themindfullifepractice.com/.
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Full episode
Transcripts
Intro
Hi friend, this is Alex McRobs, founder of "The Mindful Life Practice" and you're listening to the "Sober Yoga Girl" podcast. I'm a Canadian who moved across the world at age 23 and I never went back. I got sober in 2019 and I realized that there was no one talking about sobriety in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, so I started doing it. I now live in Bali, Indonesia, and full-time run my community, "The Mindful Life Practice". I host online sober yoga challenges, yoga teacher trainings, and I work one on one with others, helping them break up with booze for good. In this podcast, I sit down with others in the sobriety and mental health space from all walks of life and hear their stories so that I can help you on your journey. You're not alone and a sober life can be fun and fulfilling. Let me show you how.
Alex
Alright. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Sober Yoga Girl". I am really excited to have Sarah with me here today. And Sarah is in the UK and we have been following each other on Instagram for a while. And Sarah is a sober cheerleader and she has amazing content that is fun and inspirational on Instagram. And so I'm super excited to get a chance to finally sit down with her and chat and hear a little bit about her story. So welcome, Sarah. How are you?
Sarah
Thank you so much for the nice welcome. Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
Alex
Good. And it's super early morning for you, right?
Sarah
Yes. It's about 06:00 AM. So I guess that is. But I'm up quite early anyway, so it's not actually too bad for me.
Alex
Part of the sober thing.
Sarah
Yeah, I quite like an early morning, actually. It's not so bad.
Alex
Yes. No, I totally agree. It's so beautiful. And when you're not hungover, it's amazing.
Sarah
I wanted to get every minute of all the time. I wanted to use it all. And when you're not hungover, it's so nice to wake up early and not wake up early because you're hungover because you actually got time to spare.
Alex
Yeah, totally. So nice. So tell me a bit about yourself. I know you're based in the UK. Tell me a bit more about you.
Sarah
Yeah, 28, live in Hastings in the UK. I have been sober now for 14 months and my decision to quit actually wasn't like a thing that I'd already planned. It was something that-- there was a load of things that built up to it which we can talk about. But my actual sort of decision was just I had another really bad hangover and I said I'm going to have a little break. And it was, I think I said about four weeks. I'll just have four weeks off and see what happens. And then, I did four weeks and then we went into lockdown in the UK. All the pubs and bars and everything shut. So it kind of helped my decision to not drink because for me I was very much a going out binge drinker. I wouldn't drink at home. So it took away the resource to be able to do that. And then it was like six weeks, eight weeks, 12 weeks. And I think by the time pubs opened again here, I'd been sober for about four months. So I already had like a good chunk there and I was starting to see improvements and it's just sort of carried on from there really. And I haven't ever stopped.
Alex
Wow. That would have been mid pandemic then, right? The pandemic's been longer than 14 months because as you're talking, I was like, I feel like the pandemic's been two years.
Sarah
Yes.
Alex
So you must have been out of lockdown for a bit and then gone back into lockdown. Is that what happened?
Sarah
So it was October 2020.
Alex
Okay.
Sarah
We had lockdown sort of like restrictions on things about how you could see and what things you could do. And then we had the full lockdown. I can't remember. We already had one before, but yeah, definitely it sort of gone in and back out.
Alex
Yeah, I kind of remember that time, actually. It was like winter of last year because I remember, we were off school for a couple of months, too. And I just remember my yoga classes, but really busy because everyone was in lockdown.
Sarah
Yeah.
Alex
Okay, cool. Amazing. And it's so interesting how you shared-- we'll get more into it, but you hear from people around the pandemic. It's like either the pandemic made drinking better for them or worse, depending on what type of drinker they were, you know. Like, if you're a social drinker, then being in lockdown is like an opportunity to take a break. But if you're someone who drinks alone and isolates, then lockdown could make it worse. So it's really interesting how I've heard it kind of going either way.
Sarah
Yeah, I've heard definitely the same as that. Makes people think I don't want to do this anymore or simply unfortunately if you are someone who drinks at home, I suppose it's now even easier because you're at home more.
Alex
So tell me a bit about yourself. When did you start drinking?
Sarah
So I started when I was probably about 14, 15? So I lived with my mom and dad. My dad was an alcoholic. So when I was younger, I was always aware of alcohol. I knew, like, what it was, and I knew that he was an alcoholic, but I didn't really know what it meant when I was younger. And then, so my mom and dad got divorced and my mum moved away because he was, I suppose, not a very good husband or dad at the time because of you know, problems that he had with alcohol. We moved away and I don't know, I always just sort of struggled to-- I felt like I always struggled to fit in when I was younger. I was a very quiet child. I was an only child, and I struggled with things like making friends and fitting in with things. And I kind of passed from group to group until I was about 14. And then when I was 14, I changed schools. We moved for the last couple of years at school, and I made like a new group of friends and then that group of friends, we all had very similar things in common of perhaps having trauma has grown or when we were younger or single-parent families or whatever. And we all kind of gelled and started drinking together, as I think a lot of teenagers do. And that's where it kind of originally started when I was about 14, 15. And I think it came from a place of, like, wanting to fit in because other people are doing it. So it was like, well, I'll do it. And then that means I get friends by doing it and it kind of went up from there.
Alex
Yeah, it's so common. Such a common experience. I was just thinking like the culture we grew up in, like me in Canada, but you in the UK, it's like people just did it as teenagers because that was what everyone was doing and you don't even question, right?
Sarah
Yeah. Because it's like, well everyone else is doing it and my friends are doing it and I don't want to be the one that's saying I don't want to do that and if you don't, you're actually the one that's the odd one out.
Alex
Yeah, totally.
Sarah
Yes, sorry, go ahead.
Alex
Oh, you go ahead.
Sarah
Oh, yes. I was just going to say so that was kind of-- must have been about 14, 15 drinking. And then, pretty much every-- we would drink every weekend and then we would also then start-- we drank a few times like in the weeknights, and then I'd miss school and just things that as a teenager. At the time I thought it was funny and it was kind of cool to be a bit rebellious and I think it was almost coming from a place of like wanting attention, wanting something. Notice me. I'm the only child. Me and my mum had a bit of a tense relationship growing up. So I think it was almost like, look at me, look what I'm doing kind of thing. And this went on for about 18, drinking a lot and rebelling and doing different things. And then when I moved out, when I was a little bit younger, when I was 18, I had my own first flat and I just thought it was great. I've got my own space, I can do what I want, I can come and go when I want but that only fueled things because then I was 18 I could go to bars and clubs and I have my own place so I could go every weekend and I can have parties when I want and I could have people back to my house and then it kind of just gave me even more free reign to carry on with the drinking.
Alex
So how did it escalate over time?
Sarah
It's one of those things. So I started drinking the smaller things like wine and we had like Lambrini and cider and the things that you could get your hands when you were younger because that's all we could get. I remember quite a few times being having to stand outside shops when we were like 16, 17 and asked people to go in the shop and buy alcohol for us because we didn't buy any--and it was just what you could afford. We were only teenagers, it was like a bottle of wine or a bottle of cider or something. And then when I was 18 and I could start going out properly, we were going to bars and then that's when I started really trying spirits and shots and different things and I learned quite quickly on, that my tolerance was quite good so I could drink more than some of my friends, which meant I could then stay out longer with friends. And it kind of all just evolved as the more I drank, the more fun I felt. And the more-- I felt like I had people around me because it was like I adopted this persona, most of this party girl. And it was like, oh, Sarah is always up for fun. Sarah's always up for a laugh and a night out. And then I felt like I could never drop that because it almost became expected of me. It was just one of those the more I did it, the more I could do it. So then it was almost like I kind of lived to that. Every Friday, Saturday, that was what I wanted to do. I couldn't even think of doing anything other than going out and having a drink. I just would think, what else does everyone do with their weekend? And I never had anyone to tell me, no, that's a bad idea. Or, no, you shouldn't do that because my friends all did it. Everyone in my circle that I surrounded myself with did it. And I was kind of comparing and like, well, everyone else does this. So clearly I don't have an issue. Everyone else is out binge drinking, and going out every night or on the weekend. There was no moment for a long time where I really thought that I had an issue with it.
Alex
Yeah. And I can so relate to that because I feel like in my-- that was like the social circle that I surrounded myself with you know when I was in high school and University. And so it was just normal. It didn't make me seem like there was anything abnormal about me because that's what everyone else was doing.
Sarah
Yeah, exactly. And I think it's that thing, isn't it? That you compare yourself. I don't know if you've ever read Catherine Gray's book.
Alex
Yes.
Sarah
And I think something there she says about comparing it to other people, it's like all the time my friends have done that, then it's fine. And then even if it goes up a level like you've had a blackout, it's like, oh, but my friends also had a blackout. So it's not just me. And there's always something to compare yourself to.
Alex
Right. Yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, that person you know, actually had to go to rehab or had to join AA or whatever. Okay, I'm not that bad.
Sarah
Got to that level. Yeah.
Alex
Totally.
Sarah
Yeah.
Alex
Tell me about what was the sort of the turning point for you?
Sarah
Yes. This went on for many years of just constantly-- I felt like there was a little part of me deep down that really felt like you're messing your life up. Like you're just doing so many wrong things that you shouldn't be doing. My mum and my nan were less impressed. And as I got older, they'd been trying to talk to me and say, I really think you should sort your life out, basically. And I didn't want to listen. And I got in trouble with the police and I fell out with friends and I started to have more blackouts. And it was clear that my drinking was taken more of a dangerous pattern of binge drinking. It wasn't now just I couldn't go out on a Friday night saying have two drinks. It would be I'd go out on a Friday night and I'd go all the way through to the Saturday morning, the very early hours, and it was having more and more nights like that. It started to escalate that every night out I couldn't remember things. I was blacking out, I'd lose my phone, I'd upset someone and constant, these patterns of behavior. When I was about 19, 20, I think. I haven't seen my dad since I was about six? I hadn't seen him at all. We just completely cut off contact. And then when I was about 20, I got a message from this Alcohol Support worker saying he was working with someone to match the descriptions of what my dad would be. And he's been looking for his daughter. And basically, am I interested in talking and swapping details to see if it is that? And we swapped details and we kind of spoke for a while and it turns out the person he was working with was my dad.
Alex
Wow.
Sarah
So I hadn't seen him, say for 14 years at this point. And he went over the history and it turns out that after my mum and dad had divorced, my dad had kind of carried on drinking, got into a spiral and it's gone on for years and years until he eventually passed out somewhere and someone had taken him to hospital and then he's gone into rehab and he's been sober for about five years. And I just remember feeling like my whole world was like shit. I don't know what to do with myself now at this point. And it made me-- I didn't quit drinking at that point. But I think that started the seed of wow. It went to that point. It shows what alcohol can do. I mean, this person lost his whole family and you know, had to go to rehab and all these different things. And it made me really think, well, that could happen to you if you carried on down that same path. That planted a little seed. We had a sort of relationship with my dad. It was awkward because it's been so long and so much time had passed and he had liver and kidney damage from the years of drinking. He'd also developed a form of dementia so he could remember all the long term, which is how he knew he had a daughter and he knew he had someone to look for and he had family and things, but he couldn't retain short term information. So if we'd have a conversation, he'd forget it about the next day. So, yeah, it was bittersweet. I had my dad back because he was like my absolute hero when I was younger. I didn't realize until I was older and stepped away from it really what an alcoholic meant and what all these things were and you know, the damage he'd caused that when I was younger, I just thought he's you know, my dad. I was like a Daddy's girl. Yeah. We had a sort of relationship and repaired stuff as best that we could. But it was bittersweet because I say he had these things wrong with him. He couldn't remember things. So it just was very harrowing. And it just kept reminding me of this is all caused by alcohol, alcohol, cause all of this. And then he passed away about just over two years ago. So it was about six months after he passed away that I didn't have that light bulb moment of, okay, I should take a break. And I still didn't ever think of it as I need to stop drinking completely, but I had a moment of I need to have a break, so I'd have another bad night out. But I think subconsciously I think it all started from that and kind of just little seeds of the doubt until eventually almost had the wake-up call I needed as to you need to actually do something now.
Alex
Wow, what a story.
Sarah
There's a lot of-- coming in there.
Alex
Yeah. Oh, my goodness. It's just what you've been through has been so like, that must have been so hard to lose your dad and then have him back. But like in the way where you know, with the short-term memory and not being able to retain conversations from the day before, like, that must be so difficult.
Sarah
Yeah, it was really hard. And so from when I first started seeing him to when he actually passed away, I think it was about five years there. And I look back on it now and I think when that first happened, that probably should have been the wake-up call of like, wow, you should now sort it out right now. If anything, I think it made me go further into wanting to drink and party and stuff because it was almost like any time anything stressful happened or I had grief or anything like that, I didn't deal with it. I didn't face up. I just had a drink because that was the easiest thing to do. You can swallow down your feelings. And instead of maybe having therapy or talking to someone, I just went out and had a drink. And I think I went the opposite way. And I was like angry at the world and these cards I've been dealt and just a bit of a pity party. That's not fair. And yeah, I think it's only then, like I said, as time went on and I saw how early actually was and the kind of things it can have. But then it starts to have seeds of doubt of, okay, maybe going down the exact same way. And going off the rails and drinking more isn't going to solve anything or prove anything. It's actually just doing exactly the same kind of thing that he did. And you need to do something you know, different from that.
Alex
Right? Yeah. Wow. And so you quit drinking and how did you-- like you said, it was during the pandemic. Did you just stop on your own? Did you use any supports? What did you do?
Sarah
Yes, my husband said he'd do it with me. We had another night out, and it was again, we'd gone out for a few drinks, and then it'd been way more than a few drinks. We'd been out all night because my husband used to work at a club. He's been a DJ. So I met him kind of when I was like, prime drinking, and so was he. So we kind of must-have gravitated to each other and almost enabled each other. So he didn't have a problem with my drinking and vice versa. We had another night out anyway. And it's just one of those ones where we'd have people back at ours. We'd have sort of an after-party. And it went on to about five in the morning. And we just sort of woke up feeling really hungover and just looked to each other and was like, should we actually just have a break? And I'm just sick of feeling ill all the time and hungover and waiting to have a break. And we both just sat down and said, yeah, let's have a break. It'd probably be four weeks. You know, just take a month off and go from there. And then after the first four weeks, it was hard, actually, not to be able to go out and drink or anything, but because he was doing it with me, we kind of kept each other going through it. And then as time went on, it just got a slightly little bit easier. And I'm really stubborn. So I think because I said to myself, I'm not doing it, I didn't want to then also let myself down or that kind of bet like, who could go the longest? So I wasn't going to give in. And then I started to-- I can't remember where I saw it, but I just saw this book, "The Sober Girl Society Handbook". Millie Gooch. I saw it advertised somewhere. I don't know if it's just because it happened to just ads that popped up and I bought the book and read it and loved it. Then I started to realize there was a whole world of books of Quit Lit and all these other things, and I started to just absorb them all. I just bought so many and I would just sit and read them for ages. And then that was like the first stepping point into really recovering and realizing, okay, there's all these different reasons why I might have had a drink and you know, these different supports that you can use. And then I sort of announced my sobriety to Instagram when I was about four months sober? I wanted to have a kind of a firm amount before I announced it. I announced it and did this post, and I had some nice comments from people. And then again, I didn't know there was this whole world of Sober Instagram accounts out there. I didn't even know it was a thing. And I think I just searched the word sober one day, and there were just all these accounts that came up that I started to follow, and it kind of all just went from there, really. So my biggest things I would have said would be, to read the Quit Lit books, and then the Sober Instagram account has been the biggest thing by far to help.
Alex
Yeah. And I think that's so incredible that your husband went along with you because this is like one of the biggest things that I come across is people having a partner who is still interested in drinking and not ready to give it up. And then there's like this kind of conflict between the two as they're both at different stages in their journey. And so I just think that's so amazing that you both had each other.
Sarah
Yeah. It really helped. And he actually did go back to drinking after a couple of months, but it really helped me have that foundation, in the beginning, I think of someone doing it with me. So I didn't feel like the odd one out. If he'd been still drinking or having been around for drinks, I definitely would have struggled. I don't think I would have been able to do it. And especially without having the lockdown, I don't think I would have been where I am. And then he went back to drinking after a few months, and I carried on. And then when-- I think I got to about eight or nine months, and he turned around and said to me, I wish that I just stayed with it the whole time. Because he'd seen so many different improvements over the last few months.
Alex
Right.
Sarah
He said I wish I'd just stayed with it. And now he's actually gone back to not drinking again. And it's now been about--
Alex
Amazing.
Sarah
Yeah.
Alex
And how long has it been?
Sarah
I think about four months now that he's not been drinking?
Alex
Amazing. That's awesome. That's really cool. And you mentioned Sober Instagram, too. And the Quit Lit books. I'm totally the same. I think it was 40 days sober when I came across the first Quit Lit. I came across, which was Catherine Gray's book. And I remember in her book there were like resources of all these other books, all these other podcasts, Instagrams. There was one page where she just listed things, and I was like, oh, my God, there's this whole world out there.
Sarah
I know. I absolutely adored her book. I read it and I've read it a couple of times. And it just is one of those books that just really resonated with me. I think her book's amazing and I always recommend it. And yeah, I remember seeing all the resources and stuff. And then I think it took me a while to put the post out again. Like, probably with you. I didn't want to do it straight away because I wanted people to take me seriously because I thought if I said, we'll just go. You always say you're not drinking again. What's different this time? I wanted to have kind of an amount behind me to say, actually, now I'm being serious. It's been a few weeks or whatever. This is something I seriously want to do. And I was just really nervous about the whole stigma. I think there's so much stigma that being sober is boring. And I thought, if I put this out now, everyone's going to say, oh, so you're boring now? You don't do anything fun now or go the other way and people might think that I was an alcoholic, not there's nothing wrong with that. But in my head at the time, it was like, oh, God, what if all these different judgments come out.
Alex
Right.
Sarah
So, it's so scary out there and saying, I don't drink anymore?
Alex
Yeah, it's vulnerable. It's hard.
Sarah
But it just sort of grew from there, really. I did that first post, and I've been about four months sober. And then every now and then I would sort of do a post because actually, I was too lazy to make a separate account. So I just merged my normal account with a sober one. So every now and then I would just do a post about being sober and how it was going. And then slowly but surely I had some old school friends message me to say, oh, I've seen that you're not drinking anymore. That's really good. You know, I'm so glad that you turned it around and had nice comments. And I just remember thinking, maybe I should do more with this. And I spoke to my husband and I just said, I just get a really nice feeling if I help someone else. If one person reads my posts and it helps them, then that's you know, an amazing thing. And I was like, I want to actually carry on and do this more. And I just post a little bit more or put a video up or something. And the more you know, nice feedback I had, the more I wanted to do it.
Alex
Yeah. And so at what point did you change your handle to have sober in the title?
Sarah
I think that was about when I was about eight or nine months sober. And I remember thinking when I did it, I thought, what if everyone just thinks like, you're a massive twat? Just stop banging on about it. I thought, what if you were to think she just preaches about it all the time and just bangs on about it, and now she's over in her thing, and who does she think she is sort of thing. It's not like it's been years, but then my friends were like, no, but that's what you post about now. So it makes sense to have your account dedicated to that.
Alex
Totally. I love that.
Sarah
Yeah. I didn't want people to feel that I was preaching at them because I know when I was drinking, if someone had kept going on to me of like, oh, you shouldn't drink, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that. I wouldn't listen. It would make me want to go the other way. So I always wanted to be in a way that's helpful and advice, but no one to feel like I'm you know, shoving it down them like it's your choice still.
Alex
Right? Yeah. And I think you do a good job of that. I love your content. I think it's really fun and funny and relatable. Yeah, like nothing about it that is preachy.
Sarah
Oh, that's good. Thank you.
Alex
And so tell me, where do you see yourself going with your sober work? Do you think you'll just carry on with the Instagram stuff? Have you ever thought about doing group stuff?
Sarah
I actually really want to do a blog, but I have no idea how to get into it. But that's something that I actually really want to do because I just feel like I've got so much stuff that I want to talk about. And the Instagram post is just not enough like characters to put in there. And I love the idea of a blog and having somewhere where people can go and you know, read and it can be specific topics and things. And I'm going to host actually my first sober event at the end of January.
Alex
Amazing. Oh, that's so cool.
Sarah
Yes. I'm going to do a coffee morning and have an event. So I think, hopefully, next year we'll just bring more. I just want to help as many people as possible. And now the world's kind of going back to normal a little bit, do some actual real-life things like some events and just spread the word out there, really. That being sober is fun and not boring.
Alex
It's amazing. So is the coffee meet-up, it's going to be live in the UK?
Sarah
Yeah.
Alex
Cool.
Sarah
Even it's ten people so it's not like too overwhelming for people because I know how scary it is going to a sober event. I've been to a few with scary meeting people that you don't know. So, yeah, two hours, 29th of January. I'm going to do a post about it a little bit near the time, but yeah. And then hopefully that will then help people have some connections because I've had a few people say to me, you know, I don't know anyone in my area or people from near me saying, I don't know anyone in real life that's sober. So I'm hoping it will kind of bring some people together because a lot of stuff is always nothing right in the south.
Alex
Yeah. Amazing.
Sarah
And hopefully, you might see a blog for me at some point. I just need to figure out how to sell it.
Alex
Yeah. Oh, that's incredible. Well, we have a lot of podcast listeners in the UK. So if anyone is listening to this and is interested in Sarah's coffee meetup, I'm going to put a link to Sarah's Instagram in the episode description so you can find her and find out more about it.
Sarah
Thank you very much.
Alex
So I have one more question for you. If you had any advice for someone who wants to start a sober journey, what advice would you give them?
Sarah
What would I say? I would say, well, first of all, don't anyone else's opinion of you put you off? Because I think that's one of the biggest things of people is I always hear people say they don't want to be perceived as being boring or being dull or you know, they don't want them to-- people worry about being left out of things, I think with their friends. I know it's easier said than done, but really try and not worry what other people's opinion of you is. I think if someone actually thinks you're boring because you're not drinking, then that says more about them than it does to you. And I think, try and find like-minded people. That's the biggest thing. Try and find other people that are like you, whether that's in your area or whether that's via you know, Instagram or Facebook or whatever social media platform. You know, some people I know go to AA and do different meetings, whatever it is, find someone that-- find your support system because that's just the biggest thing, I think to find people like you, it just makes it so much easier to know that you're not doing on your own.
Alex
Yeah, totally. 100%.
Sarah
Yeah, that's it. And also have some good alternatives. That's another really good thing. I think if you can and obviously they're not triggering for you, then have some alcohol-free alternatives. That's helped massively, at least at parties and Christmas and things that we've just had. I've been able to have alcohol-free wines. I can still join in with everyone. And when you go out and not feeling left out. So if you've got a certain drink that you really like, find an alternative for it. There are so many out there now, and I'm sure there'll be an alternative for it and try that and yeah, and just try the market a little bit. There are so many good drinks out there.
Alex
So true. I think I got a little bit too addicted to them. That's a story for another day. But it's been really good for me to be in Bali where they have less access to them because I was drinking them all the time. But they are amazing, like, so helpful in the early days, for sure.
Sarah
Yeah, definitely.
Alex
All right. Well, Sarah, it was so nice to meet you and hear your story and chat. And I really appreciate you taking the time for being on the show this morning. Thank you so much. And I'm sure I will see you soon.
Sarah
Yes. Thank you so much.
Alex
Take care. Bye.
Outro
Hi friend, thank you so much for listening to this episode of "Sober Yoga Girl" podcast. This community would not exist without you, so thank you for being here. It would be massively helpful if you subscribe to this show and leave a review so that we can reach more people. And if we haven't met yet in real life, please come hop on Zoom at "The Mindful Life Practice" because the opposite of addiction is connection. Sending you love and light wherever you are in the world.
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